Certifiably Insane Cultist Lady
by MJTR
Summary: The unseen first meeting between Aku and his future High Priestess.


Certifiably Insane Cultist Lady

A Comedic Fan Fic by MJTR

[[Quick backstory: I got this idea from some talk that was going around early in Season 5, particularly the idea that, despite the High Priestess worshipping Aku and him being pretty easy to contact, there were jokes going around that he had zero idea of her existence. This is my alternative, presented in a humorous way.]]

(The scene opens, _AKU_ lays in his enormous bed, tossing, turning and groaning)

AKU: Long ago… mmm… distant land… foolish Samurai warrior. _AKU raised and clenches his fist._ Squashed him like a—

(There is a loud, off-screen sizzle followed by a blast of static and a scream from some unseen voice)

HIGH PRIESTESS (To be): AKU! MY LORD! MY MASTER! MY GOD!

(AKU, with the utmost exhaustion, slowly opens his eyes)

AKU: Would you please _Jerks upwards_ HIT THE CURSED SNOOZE BUTTON!

AKU'S ATTENDANT: I—err—I'm sorry master! This crazed woman just barged into the castle! She somehow circumvented all the traps and—

HIGH PRIESTESS: AKU! AKU MY LORD, I HAVE COME TO DO YOU HOMAGE!

AKU: _Glares at his alarm clock, which reads 6:35_ Daily worship does not start until 9! Leave me alone—

 _(There is an enormous explosion overhead. AKU covers his head so as not to be pelted by rocks as the HIGH PRIESTESS lands on the platform high above his bed and kneels to the ground. She is visibly dressed in only a gigantic, flowing black cloak. Facially, she resembles Ashi._

HIGH PRIESTESS: Forgive my intrusion, great master of masters! I could not bear to wait in that wretched line any longer! I am here, your most devoted and beloved servant!

AKU: _(Sighs and slowly increases his size to face the HIGH PRIESTESS on the platform. He speaks in a frustrated monotone_ ) Always so nice to meet a fan. _(He raises and clicks a marker he obtained from seemingly nowhere)_ Which one do you want me to sign?

 _(The HIGH PRIESTESS stands up straight and throws aside her cloak, revealing she is completely naked. Though the camera remains facing her backside, the outline of her bulging stomach is still visible)_

AKU: _Wrenches in disgust and raises his hands_ Agh! What are you doing, woman?! You humans and your disgusting reproductive—

HIGH PRIESTESS: They are yours, master! All for you!  
AKU: _Looking like he's going to be sick_ Oh no, please. I must insist—

HIGH PRIESTESS: Within my womb sleep seven unstoppable wells of untapped potential. Within me lie the warriors who will at long last dispatch that wretched Samurai!

AKU: _Regains some of his composure and raises a single flaming eyebrow._ Wait… You meant… OH. Okay then.

HIGH PRIESTESS: I will rigorously train each one. They may not all make it out alive _She raises a fist and is beginning to shake with instability_ But they will have the force to slay your foe at long last!

AKU: _Flashes a smile_ Okay! That's more like it! Now you're speaking my language—

HIGH PRIESTESS: And in seventeen years' time, I will deliver you his head!

AKU: _Double-takes as the smile vanishes_ Seventeen years?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Seventeen years of preparation. Seventeen years of hardship. Seventeen years off—

AKU: Waiting.

HIGH PRIESTESS: And then the will slaughter your nemesis!

AKU: _Beginning to claw at his own face_ Holy crap, for a woman so obsessed with me, can't you shut up for two—

HIGH PRIESTESS: ALL GLORY TO AKU _She falls to her knees again_

AKU: … A question or two… Just real quick.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Of course, great Shogun of Sorrow!

AKU: The children's father… Was he a giant of some kind?

HIGH PRIESTESS: No.

AKU: How about some sort of automaton?

HIGH PRIESTESS: He was not.

AKU: A demon? How about a demon?

HIGH PRIESTESS: He used to wait tables at a waffle restaurant. He was all on board with the plan, felt it gave him a greater purpose, but his dedication wasn't extreme enough. I castrated him for his insolence and impregnated myself with a turkey baster!

AKU: _Turns aside and vomits fire. He turns back, heaving for breath_ That's pretty sick even by my standards… And his testicles were not made of some kind of natural, magic-resistant material?

HIGH PRIESTESS: He merely human, that's why his dedication was weak!

AKU: … And you?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Your ultimate devotee!

AKU: But human, right? 100% human?

HIGH PRIESTESS: Ultra-dedicated human!

AKU: _Holds his forehead_ So seven humans. In seventeen years. They're gonna do what thousands of my creations and machines before couldn't?

HIGH PRIESTESS: YES!

AKU: _Shakes his head and gives the PRIESTESS another look and speaks as deadpan as possible_ Great. Thank you for your dedication. I sure can't wait to get that mount the Samurai's head over my fireplace. Thanks again.

HIGH PRIESTESS: Is there anything else I can offer you, my lord?

AKU: Please put your clothes back on. _The HIGH PRIESTESS complies_ And you know what else… Don't come back here. Ever. If the children kill the samurai _Mumbles and shakes under his breath_ in SEVENTEEN YEARS… _Returns his attention_ Please send me his head by mail.

HIGH PRIESTESS: IT SHALL BE DONE! _She starts to run toward the door_

AKU: And maybe try toning it down! Like, two or three notches! _AKU's lair is quiet again. He looks back and forth between the platform and his bed and slowly begins to descend back toward it._

AKU'S ATTENDANT: Master, there's somewhere else here to see you too! There's a very disgruntled old man—he claims to have come from another universe—

DISGRUNTLED OLD MAN: I wa-wa-want that Szechuan sauce! I don't care h-how many deals with how many devils I gotta make, you're gonna _Urp_ give it to me!

AKU'S ATTENDANT: He says if you don't come up here and take to him he's going to… Um… 'Steal your time slot, bitch. Just you wait.'

AKU: WHY DO WE ONLY EVER GET WEIRDOS AROUND HERE ANYMORE?!

[[Well, mere hours after I posted this, the show gave its own explanation. I was kind of hoping they'd never get into this matter so my funny explanation here could be joked, "Well MAYBE that's how it happened!" Oh well.]]


End file.
